Self-Care Tips (That Actually Work) From A Foster Parent
Self-care is a word we hear a lot these days that doesn’t come with a clear definition or instructions on how to practice it. When I started practicing what I thought was self-care, I only became more frustrated because having a “Mom’s Night Out” periodically wasn’t working the magic I had hoped it would.
“If we want to help our kids heal and show them what a healthy person and life look like, we have to model it for them by the way we take care of ourselves too.”
Then suddenly I reached a breaking point. I came down a minor cold, which led to an infection, which led to shingles, which led to 3 weeks in bed. It was very clear to me that I needed to find out what self-care was and what it would look like for me. I’ve learned a lot about what taking care of myself really looks like and how critically important it is for parents who are caring for kids from hard places. In order to care well for our children, we have to care especially well for ourselves.
Here are three simple things you can do to start:
Take your vitamins. Constant stress DESTROYS your immune system and depletes your body of nutrients. Being constantly run down makes it really hard to meet your kids’ very deep emotional needs. Ideally, you would find a doctor who can do extensive blood work and help you identify your levels of inflammation, look at your vitamin and hormone levels, and give you helpful supplements. But if all you can handle is a baby step right now, get yourself some vitamin D, vitamin C, magnesium, and drink water with lemon in it throughout your day.
Soak in some beauty. Dr. Curt Thompson has done a lot of work on trauma and neurobiology, and he talks often about how creativity and beauty help our mental and emotional health. Take time each day to walk outside for at least 10 minutes and notice beauty around you: wildflowers, trees, the colors in the rocks, or a bird’s nest. And from there, add beauty into your day by noticing it in music, looking at a photography book, or admiring a painting.
Be curious about yourself. Yes, being a parent is hard, and especially if your kids have extra life challenges. But I discovered that much of the stress I experienced came less from my children’s emotions and behaviors, and more from my own thought processes. From the voice telling me, “You should be able to fix this”, “Your emotions can wait”, “You’re the mom, you can do it all”, and so on. When I started my own therapy, processing my feelings, and changing my internal monologue (yay for EMDR therapy!), the internal state of panic that I felt subsided. If starting your own therapy feels too big right now, you can start with podcasts and audiobooks. Check out Try Softer by Aundi Kolber, The Soul of Shame and The Soul of Desire by Dr. Curt Thompson, and It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn.
After I started taking care of myself in these ways, life didn’t magically change in my house. But I’ve been able to better adapt and have more space for compassion when tackling some deeper issues with my children. It’s also given me more capacity to actually enjoy and benefit from the occasional “Mom’s Night Out”. If we want to help our kids heal and show them what a healthy person and life looks like, we have to model it for them by the way we take care of ourselves too.