When You Feel Overwhelmed: How to Ask for Support
If you are feeling overwhelmed as a foster parent, know that you are not alone. It’s normal to feel stretched thin by things like:
The number of people and social workers coming in and out of your house.
Keeping up with all the appointments!
Hard behaviors at home, school, or church!
Struggling to connect with the children in your care.
Okay, so just ask for help. Easy, right? Not always…
I’ll never forget one time, with our very first placement, when I couldn’t get a call back from the social worker. After a few days, I showed up at the office lobby with a crying toddler and sat there until someone came out to help me. Thankfully, that only happened once—but if you’ve ever felt like you wanted to do something similar, you’re not alone.
It’s rarely the intent of a social worker to ignore your call. Most of them are working with overwhelming caseloads—often higher than they should be—while putting out fires all day (and sometimes all night). While it helps me to remember that reality, it’s still important that foster parents get the support they need, whether from social workers or others in the community.
Finding Support From Social Workers
At the time of a new placement, I like to go over the following with the social worker:
How he/she prefers to communicate– whether by phone, text, or email;
How long it normally takes for them to respond;
What is a back-up number (like a supervisor) in an emergency.
When going over these questions, I try to acknowledge how busy they are while still being clear about what I need. Often, that small gesture of understanding helps the conversation go better.
That said, I’ve found I often have to follow up. The support you need is usually out there—and if it isn’t, the social worker can at least help figure out what resources do exist and where to find them.
Finding Support From The Church
When seeking support outside of your Department of Social Services, your local church is a great place to start. If you are not sure what type of support is available, ask your leadership if they have a foster care support ministry. If not, perhaps they can help you find one (or start one!).
When you’re in the trenches though, this can feel like an impossible step.
Here are some ways you might open up the conversation with your church:
“As you know, our family is fostering. It’s been both a blessing and a challenge, and I’d love to share some ways the church can come alongside us.”
“I wanted to ask for your wisdom and support as we navigate foster care. Would you be open to me sharing a few of our needs?”
“We see fostering as part of our ministry, and we’d love to invite the church to join us in it.”
If your church doesn’t seem helpful right away, don’t be discouraged. They often want to help, but just aren’t sure how.
I’ve seen it happen in my own church. From my experience, if a church doesn’t have foster families in the congregation—or if pastors and members haven’t fostered before—they may not realize how overwhelming this role can be.
I had to recognize that unless they’ve been there, the church simply sees me on Sunday morning, parenting like anyone else, and thinks: They seem to be doing pretty well. They don’t need any additional support.
Parents, I know it’s hard, but ask for the help you need. And even if you don’t think you need it, ask for it anyways.
It wasn’t until after my family started receiving weekly meal trains from my church that I realized how much weight was being lifted off my shoulders. When the church gets closer to your life, they begin to see other practical ways they can help.
When the Church Doesn’t Know What You Need
(Or you’re too tired to explain it to them!)
I understand that this can feel frustrating. I admit I’ve found myself thinking: My church should have provided support without me having to ask! But just like a spouse can’t read your mind, your church family can’t either.
Organizations like Project Belong exist to equip and prepare your church to serve foster and adoptive families. If your church is interested in supporting you, connect them with us, and we will resource them for you.
In the world of foster care ministry, we call them bridge organizations. As the name suggests, these organizations act as a bridge for families, churches, government, and the community– strengthening the connection and collaboration between all players. They typically already have a pulse on what the landscape in your community looks like and have existing relationships built— you don’t have to build from the ground up.
Bridge organizations also know that being a foster parent is one of the hardest things you can do. And they know that the support you need may go beyond your social worker. If you are fostering, I encourage you to get in touch with one– they can open the door to supports you may not have known existed.
Project Belong Virginia is one bridge organization currently serving the northern region of Virginia. There are many across the country – reach out if you’d like help finding one.
Helpers Need Help, Too
Foster parents, I know that we do not like to ask for help.
We see ourselves as the helper. We stepped into foster care to help, so we feel like we should be able to handle it.
It simply couldn’t be further from the truth. Helpers need help, too. Don’t go it alone– you weren’t meant to.
